I wasn’t sure whether to write this at all, because it’s probably going to make things sound more dramatic than they are, but then I do sort of feel like I should. Because for the first time ever, I’m really not that motivated to blog. I don’t know if this has been noticeable reading this, but I feel like what I’ve been blogging about has really lacked substance. Posts that are just pictures with hardly any writing, which is just the most unusual thing for me. And I think I owe an explanation.
The thing is, there’s some huge stuff happening in my personal life at the moment, which I’m not writing about. But it takes up so much of my headspace that not mentioning it feels like more than an omission to me, almost a like a lie. I read Rag’s excellent post on authenticity the other day. I left a long comment that was eaten by the blogger gremlins, and in writing it I realised that what I think it happening is a disconnect between my online self and my ‘real’ self. Of course, I don’t believe in the existence of a unitary, real, core self, and I know that were are all constantly performing different identities. And with blogging that performance is even more explicit, because we can take our time in constructing the self we present, plan it and perfect it. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve always been pretty sceptical about the ‘just be yourself’ blogging advice being thrown about everyhwere. I mean obviously, yourself, but what kind of self? As I’ve said many times before, the blog doesn’t present the truth about me, but it does present a truth. I was always happy to just give a partial view of what’s up with me, to just share the part of me that’s into fashion, photography and craft and the way society works.
I’ve never had a with that at all problem until now. But somehow with this life event happening, the part of me I’m not sharing is becoming too big. I can still write about all sorts of random little thoughts, they are still true, they’re still authentic, they’re still me, but somehow it doesn’t feel right, because they’re so insignificant now. And so I’ve chosen not to really write much, to just post pictures. And then I don’t feel like commenting either, since my own contribution is not adequate (by my own standards). So I have withdrawn from the online world even more than I already had done due to not having any time. So this is what’s happening.
It’s not a great scenario, and I’m not happy with it really, but hopefully it will just be a temporary situation, and I will return to the way things used to be, or some other more satisfying set up soon. I know this all sounds really cryptic, but it’s as much as I can say. Though don’t worry, death and divorce are not involved.
Does anyone know what I’m talking about? If it happened to you, what did you do?